kickfoxing:

tbh this is such an interesting idea! like i think the book vaguely mentions it hurting a little bit when he and andrew kiss but like… here’s some thoughts

• somehow neil’s life is filled with people protecting him, and it hurts
• hurts to know that he thought he was going to leave these people who love him
• hurts to know that they would spread silly rumors to protect him from questions
• hurts to know that he loves the life his mother would have loathed for him
• but mostly it hurts to smile
• which he’s been doing a lot of lately 
• (andrew being a catalyst at least half the time)
• neil’s face is stiff and taught and to others he has the stare of a serial killer (thanks to nathan’s genetics)
• and when dan and matt jump in or andrew gives him the look or kevin makes a particularly good goal at night practice neil can’t help but smile
• a concept he once held at arms length, even before running with his mother, has become to common place
• but the ache in his face anytime his mouth curves upwards is worth it
• it reminds him he is alive
• it reminds him he is safe
• it reminds him he is loved
• the pain of being known is worth it